It's a flipping disgrace!

If the old 'no news is good news' maxim is true, then yesterday must have been an utterly glorious day; today's Express apparently found so little of interest to report that it resorted to moaning about swearing like a 1950s housewife:



This story was brought to you by the self-proclaimed 'World's Greatest Newspaper', whose proprietor (noted pornographer Richard 'Dirty' Desmond), is renowned on Fleet Street for his delicate way with words and touchy-feely respect for people's boundaries, as evidenced in quotes like these:

"Mr Desmond said: 'Don't you tell me to sit down, you fucking miserable piece of shit'. At one point, he asked if I wanted to go outside to sort it out. I regard it as extreme behaviour in front of adults. Eventually, it was clear there was no way of conducting a meaningful meeting."

"He [Desmond] was holding two fingers up as a Hitler moustache and making Nazi salutes," the Telegraph chief added.

Mr Desmond also called the Telegraph executives "fucking cunts" and "fucking wankers".

The current issue of Private Eye carries a story about Desmond entering the office one morning and summarily dismissing an employee for being a "fat cunt". Still, let's not focus on one man when, as the Express story suggests, society is on the brink of collapse:

Perhaps most shockingly, some 78 per cent of people admitted to swearing regularly for no reason whatsoever, while the overwhelming majority – 98 per cent – admitted they swore when they lost their temper.

Oh no! As we all know, everyone hates swearing and will be massively upset by this.

Britain is generally seen as a conservative nation but a survey of more 2,000 people found that just eight per cent are now offended by swearing, as long as it is in an adult context.

That sentence is constructed so badly I can't make out whether it's saying that 8% are offended by swearing even if it's in an adult context, or if it means the other 92% are cool with swearing as long as it's in an adult context, which along with the figure that 98% of people swear, conjures up an image of an awkward 6% of people offending themselves with their own potty mouths.

Anyway, the important thing to take from this is the big swearing threat to Britain, which has ruined our once-proud country, even though the story reveals that virtually no-one gives a shit. I blame Tony fucking Blairs.